The other day, I was in the middle of a heated argument. I had let resentment towards someone build up until eventually I had to let them know about it. They had gotten away with their hypocrisy and righteousness for too long. Someone had to set them straight.
Rather than having a civil discussion about my grievances, I decided to air them out passionately in front of a group of peers. I was using big hand gestures, fancy adjectives, and occasionally the classic four letter words. I could feel my face getting red, and I could see the faces of my peers looking at me with either subtle approval or discomfort.
Just as I was debating whether to slow down and apologize for my anger or double down on it, I saw my face in the mirror in front of me. I heard the exhaust fan above me. I felt the toothbrush scraping against my teeth. There was no heated argument; it was all a rather ridiculous scene in my imagination. In reality, I was simply getting ready for another typical day.
Back to Reality
Realizing this, I immediately smiled. I was happy to be out of that fake argument. But while it was fake, the emotions it stirred up were not. While invested in this imaginary rant, my head felt hot, my grip tightened, and my chest felt tense. While imagining an angry rant, I had produced some of the feelings associated with one. I was relieved as these feelings subsided.
The resentment I had imagined was far from what I really felt. Perhaps if I imagined similar scenarios repeatedly over the next few days, I would need to address the resentment. But in the moment, it was time to return to the present. The present included no undesired angry rants. Plus, brushing my built-in retainers properly requires undivided attention.
Being Present
The story I just told is an example of something we all experience many times a day. We have a task in front of us that doesn’t require our full attention, and our mind wanders to something unpleasant. When this happens we “suffer imagined troubles,” as philosopher Seneca said.
So much of our suffering is the result of remembering the past or worrying about the future. When we’re present for what’s in front of us instead of lost in thought, we eliminate that common source of suffering.
And it’s not only unpleasant wandering that makes us suffer. As pointed out in this 2010 study, the wandering of the mind itself causes unhappiness.
The Buddhist view that suffering comes from attachment can explain why. When we have an unpleasant thought, we are simultaneously caught up in the unpleasant feelings associated with it and attached to ridding ourselves of them. When we have a pleasant thought, we cling to the ideal in our imagination instead of dealing with reality.
Conversely, when we’re present, we stay free of these traps of attachment. That is, so long as we are aware and accepting of change, which meditation also helps with. And I know, the philosophy undergraduate telling you to be present is about as predictable as the weather in San Diego. But presence isn’t unique to meditation, and it’s only half of the story.
Non-Dualism
Half of the story is coming back from being lost in thought. The other half of the story is realizing there’s nobody to blame for being lost in thought.
When we notice a thought that disturbs us, we may wonder how we could think such a thing and wonder about its origins. But if we investigate, we find we have no idea where it came from. It seemed to arise out of nowhere, which is odd. We feel we’re looking for a mind that is uncontrollable, unpredictable, and separate from us.
But this separation isn’t real. There is no separation between thinker and thoughts. Thinking we’re a thinker is just another thought; the feeling that we are searching for our minds is occurring in our minds.
Understanding this, we have no choice but to notice what arises in the mind with total acceptance. We are not creating our experience, so there’s no point in blaming ourselves for it. Confusingly enough, even our decision to accept or deny our experience is not separate from it. There is not an observer and an experience; the observer is an appearance in the experience.
This recognition is known as non-dualism. Put briefly, it is the idea that all separations in the universe are concepts invented by humans. For example, we may consider space and matter to be separate and opposite, but the reality is they are two sides of the same coin – you can’t have one without the other. (Alan Watts used to call this the game of black and white. You can read a little more about it here.)
Non-Dualism in Meditation
I’ve found non-dualism is difficult to understand at first. It can be understood through explanation. But personally I’ve found it much easier to understand after experiencing it through meditation.
Even in meditation, recognizing non-dualism may take some time. Many of us have to meditate in a way that presumes a separation between thinker and thoughts before that separation is exposed as imaginary.
A common meditation technique involves noticing everything we experience as if we’re watching scenes on a movie screen. So if we meditate in our bedroom, we may hear the fan blowing next to us, see either the back of our eyelids or the smoky room, smell the wine and cheap perfume, and notice other sensations along with whatever recollections or projections our imagination produces.
When we meditate like this, we try to focus simply on what arises in the present. But inevitably, we get distracted by thought. Eventually, we’ll return to the present and regain our focus. This act of refocusing is a step towards being more present in our lives.
The Screen
But after meditating in this way for some time, we’re likely to start wondering why we lose focus. If we’re making a conscious effort to watch our experience like a movie, why do we keep getting so distracted that we forget what we’re doing? And really, what is causing this distraction? It seems like we get distracted out of nowhere, and regain focus out of nowhere.
Looking for the cause of our distraction, we’ll stumble on the recognition of non-dualism. We’ll understand that everything we experience is happening on its own in the space of the mind – even the feeling that it’s not!
In other words, we’ll realize the watcher of the screen is on the screen. There is nothing but the screen. And if there’s nothing but the screen, what point is there in being judgemental towards what appears on it? The judgment is only another appearance on it.
The Unique Benefit of Meditation
I meditated for years before I was introduced to the concept of non-dualism by folks like Alan Watts and Sam Harris. Before hearing about non-dualism, I still benefited from practicing in many of the ways you may expect. Meditating helped me calm down, stay focused, and recognize and accept change.
But without the insight of non-dualism, I was missing the bigger picture. The point of meditation isn’t only to be calm and focused. These benefits are the tip of the iceberg, the icing on the cake, the diablo sauce on the cheesy gordita crunch.
The deep, foundational, and unique benefit of meditation is what it reveals about the mind and the acceptance that follows this revelation. Many of us understand the importance of being present and undistracted, but without the knowledge of non-dualism, we view the mind as something that needs to be tamed by us. This effort is as tiring and useless as trying to lick your own tongue.
It’s clear that being lost in thought causes suffering because of the attachment often involved. But if we’re unaware of non-dualism, we can become fixated on staying present. This fixation is another form of attachment. And it’s a vicious one, because staying present forever is likely impossible and perhaps impractical. Getting lost in thought is inevitable. And if we occasionally get lost in thought with an unattached attitude, it’s not so bad.
Escaping Attachment
The way to escape this attachment and suffering is by internalizing non-dualism. The moment we recognize that we’ve been distracted or trying to tame the mind, we have a choice to make. Do we continue to push harder on the door that we didn’t realize was labeled pull? Or, do we laugh at our pointless effort and pull the door open?
Non-dual awareness presents us with the option to do the latter. When we recognize that there is no difference between us and our minds and that the effort to tame the mind is pointless, we are in a state of acceptance to what arises. That way, we can be more present without fear or frustration of being lost in thought. There’s a reason why The Buddha is often shown smiling and not gritting his teeth.